Pole Dancing is easier than Aerial Arts

1. A pole is stationary and therefore provides resistance
2. Aerial arts requires an abnormally ridiculous amount of upper body and core strength (neither of which I have)
3.  It's hard to look sexy when your ankle is tangled up in fabric and your veins are popping out of your neck.

So this year I have declared as the year I start my bucket list.  I am going to do one thing per month that I haven't ever done before as part of the "I am turning 40 this year and therefore I will start living life to its fullest" plan.

In January a friend and I went to a pole dancing class.  It was two hours long and the first hour was all floor work working your core and teaching you ways to look sexy while exercising.  All this time I thought strippers had an easy job.  Turns out lying there moving your legs in a bicycling motion for more than, oh let's say 1 minute, is really really hard.  I mean really really hard. If you don't believe me, give it a try.  (I wasn't even wearing a thong either so that would add a whole other element)  I feel badly now for the few times I have been in a strip club tipping only a few dollars.  We also learned to do what our instructor (who was an elementary teacher by day) called "the showstopper"; a move guaranteed to get your significant others attention of whatever he/she is ignoring you for.  I have yet to attempt the use of said move.

The second half of the class was actually learning to work the pole.  There's a phrase I never thought I would use.  I learned to do what they call in the "biz" a firefly move.  Here is a little video tutorial of what I learned:  Firefly Move  It took a few attempts to get the hang of it (no pun intended) and to start getting into the rhythm of it but once I did I was having a blast.  I came away sore & bruised but feeling very empowered and very sexy!  I even took one of my last turns on the pole wearing some silver sequined heels.  It was an addictive feeling.  I am going to go back for another class.  I might even have a party there!  I highly encourage women to visit the S Factor Studio and take at least one class.

February was the month of the Aerial Arts.   Video of "Beginning Aerial Fabric"  A few friends and I went on a rainy Saturday morning to an industrial building in downtown Houston to fly through the air with the greatest of ease.  A few minor things I should point out:  flying through the air for me meant being roughly 18" off the ground AND it was not with ease.  In fact it was with great difficulty.  It did NOT look like the video clip above.  I did not feel sexy.  There were no sequins.  I would like to blame my height (too tall) on the reason I didn't take to it very easily but in reality the truth is that I have no upper body strength or core strength.  Be right back, I need a cupcake.  Okay, where was I?  Yes...no core strength. No upper body strength.  Everybody all caught up?  Great. Moving on... 

I felt pretty good about my attempt at the "aerial arts" until the instructor told me she had been doing it for about 2.5 years shortly after having a c-section.  I said, "Oh I know...I had two c-sections myself and that lower abdomen just isn't the same."  (Thankfully she didn't ask how old my kids were then I would have been forced to admit that my two back to back c-sections took place in 1996 and 1997.)  I tried to get my friends to agree to jump her and let me beat her up but they didn't go for it.  (Note to self:  find some bad ass friends not afraid to take someone down.) 

It was a lot more difficult than they make it look.  It is tiring and I am pretty sure I used muscles that hadn't been used in quite awhile.  I did have fun though.  I had a lot of fun which was the point.  Have fun with friends trying something new.  Would I do it again?  Yes but only once I admit to myself that I am only in it for fun and not actually under the impression that I am going to be so fabulous at it that a scout will recruit me for Cirque du Soleil. 

Now the pole dancing...well that is an entirely different story. 
  

The Shrew Should Be Tamed

1.  She isn't a "Real Housewife" and therefore she can't properly wear bitchy and pretentious.
2.  I am debating adding it to my bucket list.
3. It's a democracy and the majority rules. (Even the silent majority)


What is the definition of a shrew?  The online dictionary states:

"1. Resembling a mouse but having a long pointed snout and small eyes and ears. 

2. A woman with a violent, scolding, or nagging temperament; a scold."

I was actually shocked to NOT see the face of the woman I thoroughly despise looking back at me although the little rodent looking picture did look seemingly familiar.   Perhaps she is a shape-shifter; like that little rat, Scabbers, in the Harry Potter series.  It would answer so many questions.   I know that at this point you are either laughing hysterically because you know exactly who I am referring to, you are laughing hysterically because you know someone just like her, or you are very intrigued and want to know more. CONGRATULATIONS!   I am naturally a detailed and long winded story teller and today I am slightly hormonal so you are in luck!

There is this woman I work with...well not directly work with, indirectly work with.  We don't work together day to day in the same building but we are a part of a larger group with a common goal.  Unless the goal is not her goal, then all bets are off.  You see, this shrew believes she is a god, or at the very least a demi-god.  Her opinion is the only opinion that matters and she will badger you and attempt to intimidate you until you agree with her.  I can barely stand to be in the same room with her because of the stink of her giant ego.  

At every single meeting she goes on and on simply for the sake of listening to herself speak because no one else gives a damn about anything she says.  I don't know why the leader(s) appease her because all it does it cause her to think she is more important than she is and cause a silent (and cursing) revolt amongst the masses. 

Even her emails can induce a coma and homicidal thoughts.  She goes on and on with technical terms no one knows, understands, or gives a damn about.  I have gone back and forth between wondering if she can seriously be that clueless or if she just uses terminology no one can understand to make herself feel superior.  I used to pity her but now she just irritates me.  I mean on a scale of irritating range 1 to 10 I would have to say that a yeast infection is about an 8 and she runs between a 7-10 depending.  If there were ever a time I had to be in her presence WHILE I had a yeast infection I am pretty sure someone would have to medicate me.

She utterly hates it when anyone has the audacity to question her or offer up a different opinion and if you really want to get under her skin just remotely imply anything regarding copyright infringement.  That just about sends her over the edge.  Last week she attempted a passive aggressive attack on me through the new (and ridiculously flawed) inter-library loan system but I don't play like that so I harnessed my ninja-like passive aggressive skills and threw a few back in her direction.  

When it comes to her I try to carefully choose my battles.  This year was the year that I officially deemed the year I was going to tame the shrew or at the very least have fun trying.  I kind of view it as part hobby part community service.  As the second semester wages closer and closer to Spring Break I have to say that she is still in her natural, untamed state (somehow I knew she wouldn't go down easily) but I sure have enjoyed the ride so far.  It has been so freeing to finally click "send" to those emails instead of "delete".  

Now before you go get all "this is a no bully zone" on me, SHE is the real bully.   I am simply standing up to her and giving her a taste of her own medicine.  I know that I am speaking for the majority and I don't mind being the one to have the balls big enough to finally do it because when I go to sleep at night I don't really give a crap what she thinks of me.  I have no respect for someone who condescends and patronizes her colleagues.

I kind of have this fantasy where I am the "Rosie the Riveter" or the "Gloria Steinem" of the library world, or at least the library world of which I am part.  I get to stand up to her in a meeting and say things like, "You can't handle the truth!", sing songs like, "Ding Dong the witch is dead" (not really; merely symbolically...c'mon, I am not that much of a bitch!)  and then everyone hoists me up on their shoulders and carries me out while chanting my name all "RUDY! RUDY!" style.  Ahhh, a girl can dream, can't she? 

P.S.  I am choosing to NOT properly cite my source above just because I know it would drive her to insanity.  It really IS the little things in life. : )

China is Awesome

1.  My son was born there

2.  They can get your order at McDonald’s 100% accurate even though there is a total language barrier.

3.  The people are gracious, kind, and steeped in tradition and culture.

On January 26, 2008 we finally made it back to US soil after spending 16 days traveling China to complete the adoption process of our son.  He was two at the time and I look back over the past four years at how much he has grown and how much he has changed our lives and I know that I have been forever touched by the hand of God.

As a child I knew that both a very close cousin and my grandfather were both adopted.  Both adoptions were for different reasons, under different circumstances, and of course in two very different eras.  Nonetheless, after  knowing their stories and understanding how selfless adoption is I decided at a very young age that I wanted to one day adopt.

When Clint and I were dating in the early 1990’s and discussing our future I mentioned that I wanted to adopt.  He response was that he too wanted to adopt, specifically a little boy from China.  I laughed it off because at that time in history international adoptions from China were rare and those that were happening were most certainly not male children.

After being married a few years we decided it was time to start planning our family.  But as the old saying goes, “Man plans, God laughs.”  This was not good news for me as I am the ultimate planner.  Hard to believe I know.  I fought God for a long time on this issue as I have never really been intimidated by confrontation.   I used science to my advantage and filled my body with hormones and fertility inducing drugs.  I laid upside down, had a chart and thermometer beside my bed.  We spun sperm, counted days, and went through the process of insemination.  More than once.  Not fun by the way.  Pretty painful actually.  

I had been challenged and I did not like it.  I did not like that my plan was more than a year behind schedule.  It quite pissed me off to be honest.   How dare MY timeline be questioned?  I was not going to accept the possibility of no children.  It was not.going.to.go.down.that.way.for.me.  In the meantime I research alternatives and adoption.  Both options were super expensive for a young couple living on one income while I was finishing college.  But I kept that giant maroon binder with ill-gotten copies of copyrighted material (see how desperate I was to resort to copyright infringement?) on the top shelf in my closet ‘for whenever I needed it’.

After two years of battling infertility (AKA God’s Plan) I was tired.  No, scratch that. I was broken.  “Okay fine God, you win.”  As if we didn’t all see THAT outcome coming.  So in October of 1995 I didn’t renew my fertility drug prescription.  I told my doctor that I “needed a break to focus on my last semester of college”.  What I needed was to let go.   So I let go.  I gave everything up.  I mean I gave everything UP.  I let go to let God.  Trust me, relinquishing control is probably one of the most difficult things for me to do, even to this day.  It felt like I was living my life like I was trapped in a pair of Chinese handcuffs.  The harder I fought, the tighter the hold was.  And just like when your fingers are trapped in Chinese handcuffs, as soon as you relax, stop struggling, and relinquish control…you are freed.  Three months after I let go I found myself in the ER in the middle of the night with a rupturing ovarian cyst and a positive pregnancy test that I didn’t believe was mine.  Morgan was born that October.   

The day that she had her four month checkup scheduled I too had a checkup scheduled.  I found myself staring at the business end of a positive pregnancy test.  This was before the internet lingo was big so when I say I had a WTH moment I mean I literally said, “What the hell?  Whose test is that?”  I was in shock and that is putting it mildly.  I couldn’t help but laugh at the irony…which by the way, the true definition of irony is – God’s sense of humor.  In shock, I drove almost an hour to my husband’s work to hand deliver the positive pregnancy test.  His reaction? “Whose test is that?”  The next October, ten days after Morgan’s first birthday, Madison was born.

Life kept us busy for a while.  In July 2006 we were enjoying some wine at a winery in Fredericksburg, Texas when the topic of another child came up again.  Again, he said he wanted to adopt a boy from China.  I honestly didn’t think it could be done or done easily and I thought he was screwing with me so I would drop the topic of another kid.  You would think after being married for so long he would know me better than that by then.  When I finally mentioned that I was serious about him either getting on board with another child or getting on board with a vasectomy we started talking.  A few bottles of wine later we decided that we did want to adopt but would take some time to research the process and the costs, try to pay off some debts, and spend a considerable amount of time praying for guidance to lead us to do the right thing.  So that is exactly what we did.

A few weeks later I got a call from the college asking if I wanted to interview for a part time position that I had previously applied for…three years earlier.  I took that as a sign.  I did my paperwork and began my new part time job on a Sunday afternoon shift.  The full time employee I was working with a woman about my age so as we got to know one another the topic naturally turned to children.  She shared with me that she had a two year old son and a two year old son.  Wait…what??  To clarify, she had a two year old biological son and a two year old adopted son…and in fact, she was leaving a few months later to pick him up and finalized the adoption paperwork.  She would be leaving at the end of October for…China.  I know, it seems almost like a cheesy movie and if you didn’t live it I can see how it would be difficult to believe.  I took it as a sign.  I was almost too excited to get home and tell Clint who was, by Clint standards, excited.  The next week before I was able to go back and ask her the list of questions that we had prepared we were lying in bed watching a new episode of The Office where Michael  comes in and announces that, after watching Oprah, he has decided to adopt a baby from China.  I sat up in bed, looked and Clint, and said something to the effect of, “Seriously?” 

A few months later, while my friend was in China picking up her son, we signed with an adoption agency and started the journey to adoption.  That was November 2006.  We specified we wanted a boy age 1 month to 3 years old and selected a few from a long list of “special needs” that we would be willing to accept.  When we signed the wait time was about 18 months.  By the first of the New Year the wait had climbed to 24 months and counting.  That July the agency changed the way it handled waiting child adoptions from posting a list and allowing families to apply to requiring families to complete an application and would then match waiting children to families.  I filled out the application and submitted it.   

In August, right as I was going back to work the agency called.  A few stressful days of phone tag finally ended when the agency finally reached me only to tell me that they had a match for us and were sending us a file for review.  We had about 3 days to have his file reviewed and then let them know our decision.  I raced home and opened the file and immediately knew that the pictures I was looking at were that of our son, Eli.  After having the medical files reviewed and accepting the referral we waited for travel arrangements.   

We left for China on January 10^th, 2008 and came home on January 26^th, just 15 months since signing the adoption agency papers.   After experiencing this life I have no doubt that I have been touched by the hand of God.   To shorten our 16 day trip and the emotional journey to just a few sentences seems unjust but thankfully I blogged the entire emotional journey because sometimes, just sometimes, the truth is stranger than fiction.

Teenage Girls Will Kill Me

1. They can be real bitches
2. Their drama always pisses me off
3. It might be possible that you can actually die from worrying too much

Where do you draw the line, as a mother, between how much teenage girl drama to get involved in and how much to let them work out on their own?   I remember only a few instances where my mother got involved with my teenage drama.  

Once, when some crazy chick (who has sent me about five friend requests through Facebook because apparently she is so stupid that she can't figure out that if, we were not friends in high school, we are not going to be friends now) harassed me to the point that she actually showed up at my front door and proceeded to inform my mother that she was there to "kick my ass".   Oops.  I guess someone forgot to tell her that my mother had no problem ripping her to shreds.  See what I mean about stupid?  Sometimes you just can't outgrow stupid.  As I said before, no names shall be mentioned to protect the stupid but I can give you some hints. 

1. Her name could also be considered one of the most common stripper names

2. Kids love to eat it, and if it's chocolate I love to eat it too.

3.  It rhymes with sandy.

See how that works?  Three is a magic number and I still refrained from giving away the identity of those that irritate me most.

Anyway, there might have been another time or two that my mom mediated between my 'besties' and myself when we had a falling out.  Of course, back then, whatever the problem was must have been the most dramatic thing ever (the equivalent to each and every episode of the Bachelor) but only the most upsetting and hurtful were the times I told my mother about and therefore she intervened.

So now, as a mother, when my teenage daughter comes to me in tears I weigh carefully whether or not to get involved or to let her work it out on her own.  Yesterday, I got involved.  I chose to get involved because she was being unfairly accused of something and treated horribly by the person that is her best friend.  As a mother it is the most helpless feeling in the world to see your child hurting and know that there is little, if anything, you can do about it.  If I can do something about it, trust me, I will. 

So without going into too many details the general outline is as follows:  Best friend goes on vacation and makes some stupid decisions.  I see/hear/read bits & pieces of information over the course of a month to basically figure out a general idea of what happened.  I know parents of best friend know most of it as best friend has already been punished but think there might be more to the story than everyone knows.  I jokingly make a comment regarding not knowing whether or not I want to see the vacation photos and the next day the best friend has:

1. told my daughter not to speak to her anymore because she is not trustworthy and that my daughter is the reason she is trouble

2. Made passive aggressive status updates toward my daughter and then proceed to tear her apart via chat

3. De-friend me

So, yeah...I got involved.

Let's break this down.  First, all the 'intel' I had came from one text message I overhead and then read, information parents of best friend told me, and then direct comments from the culprit herself.  I think she might be so caught in trying to make herself sound cool and between the truth and lies she has forgotten what she has said and to whom.  Secondly, she then makes comments towards my daughter on facebook and then has a "chat" with her accusing her of being at fault, telling her not to talk to her, she can't trust her, etc. until she virtually hangs up on their conversation.  

So apparently there was more to the story and the off the cuff comment I made gave her some food for thought and so she went home and confessed something to her parents. Thirdly, when I told her in no uncertain terms to grow up, she would no longer treat my daughter that way or blame her for her own dumb choices,  and that she wouldn't come to my home again until she apologized to my daughter and to me...she de-friended me.  LOL.  Apparently in the teen world that is something worth losing sleep over.  Meanwhile I have been playing phone tag with mother of best friend, who at this point, probably thinks I know about whatever best friend confessed to and didn't tell her about it.  The drama never ends.

So back to my list.  I am pretty sure that teen girls could be the death of me.  And people wonder why I drink so much wine.

Zombie Blondes by Brian James and Hourglass by Claudia Gray

Zombie Blondes
By: Brian James

3 Stars

Summary:
Each time fifteen-year-old Hannah and her out-of-work father move she has some fears about making friends, but a classmate warns her that in Maplecrest, Vermont, the cheerleaders really are monsters.

You know how on American Idol the judges say stuff like, "You look great tonight and it was just aw'ight!" because the song wasn't bad but it wasn't extraordinary either? That is how I feel about this book. I love the cover. I love the title. I love the hope that I had for this book. The book itself was pretty good and it held my attention (although I admit that at times I did skim through some of the pages just trying to get past the monologues and to the detailed action and dialogue). Overall it wasn't my favorite book I have read this year and there didn't seem to be any foreshadowing of a possible series so as a stand alone title I give it a 'Randy Jackson' "it was aw'ight!"



Hourglass
By Claudia Gray

5 Stars

Summary:
Star-crossed lovers Lucas and Bianca are on the run, pursued not only by Black Cross vampire hunters but also by the powerful vampires of Evernight, when Bianca learns that her destiny is tied to that of the wraiths.


The third in the series that I have long been waiting for...I devoured this book over Spring Break...trying my best to savor it! I wasn't aware that a fourth in the series would follow...albeit a publishing date of 2011 which might as well be a billion years from now! This book was rich in detail and plot with all the same characters we have grown to either love or hate. A few twists and turns along the way including character reveals you won't expect as well as a plot that will keep you turning the pages. If that doesn't work then surely you will enjoy the maturing of the relationship between Bianca and Lucas as their white hot passion and love for one another is undeniable. I can't wait for book four to see how this story concludes...maybe I can get a preview copy somehow! (Hint! Hint! Claudia Gray and her publishers, publicist, etc.)

Sidebar note: This series would surely make great films with the right casting. I am going to have to get on that! I already know exactly who I would choose to play Balthazar...now on to the rest of the cast!

Wings by Aprilynne Pike and THE ADORATION OF JENNA FOX by Mary E. Pearson

Wings
by: Aprilynne Pike

4 Stars

When a plant blooms out of fifteen-year-old Laurel's back, it leads her to discover that she is a faerie and she has a crucial role to play in keeping the world safe from enemy trolls.

This book is a good mix between fantasy and action with a little romantic love triangle. It is written well with a good pace to keep the reader turning the pages. The main character, Laurel, is believable as a strong independent young woman. Although her main love interest seems a little too good to be true, girls will relish in the relationship that develops between Laurel and David. The ending is well balanced between concluding the main conflict and leaving an opening for a sequel. It is appropriate for 7th grade and up.

The Adoration of Jenna Fox
By: Mary E. Pearson

4 Stars

In the not-too-distant future, when biotechnological advances have made synthetic bodies and brains possible but illegal, a seventeen-year-old girl, recovering from a serious accident and suffering from memory lapses, learns a startling secret about her existence.

Part science fiction, part thriller, this book was one that I ignored for many months and then couldn't put down once I picked it up. Jenna Fox wakes up from a coma after a horrific accident to find that she has moved across the country and while she can recall historical facts and recite poetry she doesn't remember learning she recalls very little about herself, her life, and her family. Little by little Jenna begins to piece together her life before the accident and is startled to discover the truth about her existence since the accident. This book draws not only a line in the sand but also a big question mark questioning the difference between what science CAN do and what science SHOULD do. This book is appropriate for 7th grade and up.

The Hunger Games & Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins

The Hunger Games
By: Suzanne Collins
5 Stars (But really 10 stars)

Sixteen-year-old Katniss Everdeen accidentally becomes a contender in the annual Hunger Games, a grave competition hosted by the Capitol where young boys and girls are pitted against one another in a televised fight to the death.

Have you ever had a book sitting around for weeks, possibly months, just sitting there...collecting dust even, on your desk or table? Then when you finally got around to picking it up and reading it you felt like slapping yourself in the forehead like those old V8 commercials? That's what I felt like when after a full year this book was still sitting on my "to read" shelf I finally picked it up and thought to myself, "I guess it is time to see what all the fuss is about." I am so glad I did because now I know. NOW I KNOW!!!

To say that Katniss accidentally becomes a contender in the games is something of a misuse of words. She volunteers to be in the games to save her 12 year old sister from going. I already like this girl. She hunts (illegally) in the woods for food for her family with her BFF Gale, a boy that is obviously in love with her. After volunteering for the games she finds herself surrounded by her own personal entourage of stylist, mentors, and consultants. When she realizes she is being pitted against several other contestants including an adorable baker's son she is destined to be bonded to, she has to decide how she will play the game in order to survive. While she is seemingly clueless in many ways this girl is strong, independent, and determined. Did I mention I like her? If I had to pick one element of this book to claim as my favorite it would be voice. The voice of the main character/narrator/protagonist Katniss is so strong, likable, and immediately recognizable you are guaranteed to sit for hours turning the pages just as fast as your eyes can read.

Catching Fire: Sequel to The Hunger Games
By: Suzanne Collins
5 Stars (But really 10 also)

By winning the annual Hunger Games, District 12 tributes Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark have secured a life of safety and plenty for themselves and their families, but because they won by defying the rules, they unwittingly become the faces of an impending rebellion.

There is another one?? How did I get so lucky? The sequel was just as good as the first book in what I know now will for sure be a trilogy (book 3 coming out in August 2010). I am just as impressed with book two as I was book one. Another page turner I could not put down. What I love about this series reminds me of one of the main reasons I loved the Harry Potter series so much. Each book built upon one another and you don't even see it coming. They layer each other, over lapping in certain areas, exposing secrets in other areas. The story is so richly detailed that I wonder if the author has the entire series planned out and then goes back in and fills in the details and dialogue. It is so mesmerizing to me that as I read book two I would suddenly remember things from book one that seemed so insignificant but now holds a key piece of information. I found myself reading book two and taking mental notes in case I needed to remember a seemingly minute detail later in the future. Of course now I must suffer until August to read book three. WHY??? My only hope is that there will be advanced reader copies at the annual Library convention. Just in case, I plan to spend the next six weeks as if I were in football boot camp or military training so I can be prepared to locate and secure a copy. {insert maniacal laugh}

Read this series and you too will be plotting, planning, and laughing like a maniac. It's THAT good.